Jokes to ease the tension
- Thread starter Eric
- Start date
When I heard you can lose your taste and smell I immediately went and got every shot and booster I can get. Being Italian I never wanted to eat and not taste my food.
stromcloud
Active member
An elderly couple walk into a sex therapist’s office. The doctor says “this is how it works. You go into the examining room and have sex, and I observe you thru a 2-way mirror, then I give you my diagnosis.”
So the old couple go into the examining room and have wild, exuberant sex. The doc comes in and says”there’s nothing wrong with you, you have the libido of teenagers…”
The man says, “We just happened to click today, but believe me, we have deep-seated problems…” The doc says “alright, pay my receptionist the $200 fee and make another appointment.”
So the couple comes back the next week and the sex is even wilder. They’re swinging from the rafters. The doc bursts in and says “alright, what the hell is going on here?!”
The old man says “It’s like this doc. We can’t go to my place because I’m married. We can’t go to her place because she’s married. A motel also costs 200$, but here….Medicare pays 80%!
So the old couple go into the examining room and have wild, exuberant sex. The doc comes in and says”there’s nothing wrong with you, you have the libido of teenagers…”
The man says, “We just happened to click today, but believe me, we have deep-seated problems…” The doc says “alright, pay my receptionist the $200 fee and make another appointment.”
So the couple comes back the next week and the sex is even wilder. They’re swinging from the rafters. The doc bursts in and says “alright, what the hell is going on here?!”
The old man says “It’s like this doc. We can’t go to my place because I’m married. We can’t go to her place because she’s married. A motel also costs 200$, but here….Medicare pays 80%!
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Ray Morgan
Well-known member
How dirty can a joke go without offending anyone or being banned? I can write one without cursing, but can't clean it up entirely.
ronm
Well-known member
People who might be offended can skip the joke thread. At least that is my opinion.
Only one way to find out. I know you won’t offend me.
Go back to my limerick on April 1st. It's probably the most offensive on this thread and I'm still here.
While I'm at it... I once dated an actress who was so dumb she couldn't spell MGM backwards.
I never had any luck with women. I'd usually get someone with Dolly Parton hair and Janet Reno's chest.
Ray Morgan
Well-known member
A hospital has a new medical director. He informs the chief of psychiatry that he wants a tour of the psychiatric ward.
The new director is escorted to room number 1, and opens the door to find the nurse giving the patient hand relief. The director is irate and demands an explanation. The psychiatrist informs him that this helps calm the patient down and cuts back on aggressive behavior. The medical director seems satisfied by that explanation and moves on to continue his review.
He is escorted to a second patient's room and opens the door. Here he finds a nurse giving this patient oral relief. Instead of being angry, he seems perplexed. So he asks the psychiatrist why patient 1 only got a HJ, while patient 2 gets a BJ. The psychiatrist replies: "he has better insurance".
The new director is escorted to room number 1, and opens the door to find the nurse giving the patient hand relief. The director is irate and demands an explanation. The psychiatrist informs him that this helps calm the patient down and cuts back on aggressive behavior. The medical director seems satisfied by that explanation and moves on to continue his review.
He is escorted to a second patient's room and opens the door. Here he finds a nurse giving this patient oral relief. Instead of being angry, he seems perplexed. So he asks the psychiatrist why patient 1 only got a HJ, while patient 2 gets a BJ. The psychiatrist replies: "he has better insurance".
Joseph Heller, an important and funny writer
now dead,
and I (Kurt Vonnegut) were at a party given by a billionaire
on Shelter Island.
I said, “Joe, how does it make you feel
to know that our host only yesterday
may have made more money
than your novel ‘Catch-22’
has earned in its entire history?”
And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”
And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”
And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”
Not really a joke but a story Vonnegut told. Still it makes me laugh, or at least smile a bit.
now dead,
and I (Kurt Vonnegut) were at a party given by a billionaire
on Shelter Island.
I said, “Joe, how does it make you feel
to know that our host only yesterday
may have made more money
than your novel ‘Catch-22’
has earned in its entire history?”
And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”
And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”
And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”
Not really a joke but a story Vonnegut told. Still it makes me laugh, or at least smile a bit.
MugCostanza
Well-known member
My friend's wife was in a coma for a few weeks. The doc went up to him and said "We've tried everything we can to get her to wake up but she just won't. There's only one thing left to try but it's a little unconventional."
My friend says "Doc, I'm down to try anything, what is it?"
Doc says "You have to go in there and have oral sex with her. I know it sounds weird but I've seen it work before."
My friend says "Wow that's weird but I'll give it a try I guess."
My friend goes in there and comes out 5 minutes later and says "Doc I don't think it's going to work, she's choking"
My friend says "Doc, I'm down to try anything, what is it?"
Doc says "You have to go in there and have oral sex with her. I know it sounds weird but I've seen it work before."
My friend says "Wow that's weird but I'll give it a try I guess."
My friend goes in there and comes out 5 minutes later and says "Doc I don't think it's going to work, she's choking"
This is a long one, but a WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
- a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
- a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
- a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:
- There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
- A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
- a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
- a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
- a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:
- There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
- A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Did you shoot a video?
