Jokes to ease the tension

[Eric]

A little boy was taking a bath with his mom when he says to his mom, mom mom what’s that? Pointing down below at her hair.

The mom says oh that’s my sponge. The little boy then says oh the babysitter must have one too because I saw her washing daddy’s face with it.

 

[Demo]

Here's one for the kiddie's to make them laugh.

How to you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and put peas around it.

When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

 

[ohiofan]

What's old and wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
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Fred Astaire's face.

 

[TonyinFairfield]

Here’s a corny one but I like it:

I joined the gym a year ago and haven’t lost any weight. Tomorrow I’m going to go there for the first time and ask what’s going on!

 

[nycfan]

St Johns Basketball program - last 20 years

 

[Johnny Rapper]

A man comes home from work to see his wife packing her bags. He asks her… “where the hell are you going?” To which she responds..” I’m moving to Vegas to see how those hookers make $500 a night to do what I’ve been giving you free all these years”. The man responds “whatever”.

As she’s on her way out the door, she sees the man packing his bag…. She asks, “ where the hell are you going”? To which the man responds…. “ I’m going to Vegas too…. To see how you are going support yourself on $500 for the year”.

 

[L J S A]

Literally just stumbled upon this and made me laugh, so here you go:


A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while, the lizard says his mouth Is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The Inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says
"FUUUUUCK DUUUDE HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

 

[BrookJersey Redmen]

The two great poets, Alfred Lord Tennyson and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow have passed away and are at the Golden Gate. St. Peter greets them enthusiastically: how wonderful to meet you two. Unfortunately, we are nearly full of poets at this time. I can only accept one of you at this time. I will give each of you the same word and you must come up with a verse using this word.

“The word is: Timbuktu”, said St. Peter.

Tennyson went first:
” Across the hot Sahara sand,
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu.

St. Peter replied, “that is very good. Henry, it’s your turn.”

Longfellow cleared his throat and began:
” Tim and I, a-wandering went,
We met three maidens in a tent,
Since they were three and we but two,
I bucked one and Tim Bucked Two!

I heard Shakespear's version (not as good as Longfellow's):

"I sat upon a sandy shore
To hear the mighty ocean roar
Three ships came into view
Destination: Timbuktu"

 

[Eric]

A little boy and little girl were arguing over what sex was the better sex. They were going back and forth and back and forth until finally the little boy said oh yea?? And pulls down his pants. You’ll never have one of these!! (Pointing at his penis).

The little girl realizing the little boy was right goes crying running home to her mom. She comes back 15 minutes later and says oh yea? Pulls down her pants and said. My mom says with one of these (pointing at her vagina) I can have as many of those (pointing back at his penis) as I want.

 

[Eric]

Since not much activity lately on the board here’s another joke.

What did the left p….y lip say to the right p…y lip?
We used to be a lot closer before we let that d..k get between us!!

 

[ronm]

Since not much activity lately on the board here’s another joke.

What did the left p….y lip say to the right p…y lip?
We used to be a lot closer before we let that d..k get between us!!

Glad to see this thread is still active!

 

[RedmanMike]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was assaulted...

 

[Red.Fans]

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was assaulted...

A true classic. Bravo! I've been using this one for decades. One of my dad jokes arsenal. Here's another:

A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve food here"

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

 

[kranmars]

Dad jokes continued:

What did one mushroom say to the other mushroom?
“You are one fun guy”.

 

[Amaseinyourface]

Dad jokes continued:

What did one mushroom say to the other mushroom?
“You are one fun guy”.

I’m working on a knife that can both cut the bagel AND apply the butter. Should be a sharp idea that spreads quickly

 

[RedmanMike]

These dad jokes are so great! My kids hate them, but I've laughed out loud several times reading this thread...

Here's another:

Q: How come you never see a hippopotamus hiding in a tree?
A: They're really good at it.

 

[Red.Fans]

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week? The rest of the days are weak days.

 

[kranmars]

I knew long ago I would never become a doctor because I didn’t have any patients.

 

[newsman13]

A father walks into his son's room and finds the young man playing with himself. "You know if you keep doing that, you'll go blind."

"I'm over here dad."

 

[Eric]

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week? The rest of the days are weak days.

One of my favorite non dirty jokes I tell my patients.