Jokes to ease the tension

During football season, I have a standing Tuesday night call with a friend. We review the games that were just played, discuss the upcoming week, fantasy recap, etc. His whole life is the NFL, and he watches every game.

He calls me and asks:
So, what did you do last night?
Uh, I watched the game…
Know what I did? I had sex with my girlfriend for 3 hours.
3 hours?
Yep, I timed it! We were role playing, doctor and patient. I was the “doctor”, and I was in my “office”, aka the bedroom, watching MNF. I kept the “patient” in the hallway for 2:58, before I let her in for our “appointment”. I’m the king!
 
A man nd a woman are in bed together.

The man receives a text on his phone and starts to read it.

The woman asks “Who is the text from.”

The man replies “It’s from my wife. She says that she is at the mall shopping with you and that she is going to be late.”
 
SJU85 said:
A man nd a woman are in bed together.

The man receives a text on his phone and starts to read it.

The woman asks “Who is the text from.”

The man replies “It’s from my wife. She says that she is at the mall shopping with you and that she is going to be late.”
Click to expand...
Thanks for this one. Been added to my list of jokes.
 
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
 
A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant looks at her and asks to see her ticket. Then he tells her that she paid for economy and needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here." The flight attendant goes into the cabin and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde sitting in first class, who should be in economy, and who doesn't want to go back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that since she only paid for economy, she needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that they should probably have the police come when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You said she's a blonde? I'll take care of it, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes to the blonde and whispers something in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are shocked and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without a problem. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto."
 
Age old question

Do you think babies are a gift of god, or that just a bunch of poppycock?
 
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