Jokes to ease the tension

An elderly farmer and his wife go to the county fair. There is a biplane pilot offering rides for $10. The farmer says honey I’ve never been in a plane before. She says I know dear, but $10 is $10!
Year after year… the same pilot same plane same price. The farmer says honey, I don’t have a lot of years left. The wife says $10 is $10 dollars!
The pilot had heard enough.. he says I’ll take you up and if you don’t say a word the whole flight I won’t charge you a penny!
The wife agrees so up they go. The pilot does every aerial maneuver he knows. As they land and taxi back he looks over his shoulder and exclaims “OMG where’s your wife?
The farmer calmly says she fell out on that first flip you did.
Pilot yells “why didn’t you say something?!
Farmer says because $10 dollars is $10 dollars.
 
A lady frustrated with the lame men she dated puts an ad in the paper for a husband citing the following;

Wanted: a good man to share my life with. He must not beat me, not follow me around when I am out with my friends and he must be good in bed.

The next day her doorbell rings and when she answers there is a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.

“Can I help you?”

“I’ve come to answer your ad looking for a husband.”

“But you have no arms or legs!”

“Well, I have no arms, so I can’t beat you. And I have no legs so I can’t follow you around.”

“But I need someone who is good in bed.”

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I.”
 
Young man hits 21 and decides to join a monastery.
After signing on he finds out he has to take a vow of silence, allowed to speak only two words every 10 years.
The first decade goes by and he walks into the head monk’s office and says “food cold”.
After the second ten years he tells the head monk “bed hard”.
After 30 years he has had it and tells the head monk “I quit”.
The head monk replies,
“That doesn’t surprise me, you’ve been bitching since you got here”.
 
My wife told me I was getting fat and out of shape .

She said I should go to the Gym .

I told her that’s not going to happen .

So for Christmas , she bought me a bike to ride around and exercise.

I took it for a ride that morning and got 1 Block . Went home and told the Wife , it was great !

But , I lied . Listed it on E Bay the next Day .


“ New Bike , great condition , has 200
Yards on the odometer .”
 
Three old guys are sitting around in a convalescent home when the subject turns to their worst problems.

The first guy says, “it’s taking a leak; all standing there waiting for something to happen, then just dribs and drabs for an hour, sometimes it takes so long I miss breakfast.”

Second guy says, “my problem is dumping, I sit there so long pushing my rear sometimes gets so sore I have to give up and I’m so plugged up I can’t eat the whole day.”

The third guy says, “thank the heavens I don’t have those problems. Every day at 7:30 sharp my pee comes out flowing like the Mississippi after a torrential downpour. Then 5 minutes later at 7;35, I have a bowel movement that pours out like a volcano erupting. Same thing every day like clockwork.”

His two buddies are jealous and ask him how being that regular could possibly be a problem.

“Well, I wake up every day at 9:00.”
 
kranmars said:
Part of the egg-isentential question that has plagued mankind forever: what came first, the chicken or the egg?
Click to expand...
That was a terrible yolk. You're a shell of the mod you used to be. You're clearly just winging it at this point. Maybe you should just chase chicks instead?

Yes I can do this all day, just ask my family or the folks in my office....
 
Two buddies from Maine can’t find any work in their area. One of them says “ I hear there’s a career center downstate that can find us work”. So, they get there the next day and first guy goes in and says “I can’t find a job anywhere”. The lady says what do you do? He says im a pilot! Well she says, we have plenty of jobs for Pilots! He says oh great! So his buddy goes in next and she asks him what he does for work and he says he is a logger and cuts wood. Oh she says, Im sorry all the paper mills are closed and we don’t have anything for you. Well, he says my buddy was just in here and you said you had lots of jobs for him. Well he’s a pilot! She exclaimed. The guy says “I know! But he can’t pile it until I cut it!
 
shocked people haven't noticed 1 thing.

Maher hasn't told a joke yet. Shockingly I don't know any and don't tell jokes
 
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