Jokes to ease the tension

Just saw this on a portable variable message sign on the Cross County Expressway in honor of May the 4th be with you:

“Han says to solo down.”
 
70 year old an goes to the doctor for a physical. Doctor tells him when they are done, “You are in excellent shape, you must come from great genes. How long did your Dad live?”
“Doctor, why do you think he is dead? 91 years old and still active as hell.”
“Wow, well how about your grandfather, when did he die?”
“Doc, still frisky at 110, in fact, he is getting married to a 24 year old in two weeks.”
“Holy Christmas, why at 110 would he possibly want to get married to a 24 year old?”
“Who said anything about wanting to?”
 
Seen on Variable Message Signs today on the LIE:

Slow down young Skywalker. Your light saber can wait,

Stith happens!! Slow down!!!

Slow down you must. Arrive safely, you will.
 
SJU85 said:
Seen on Variable Message Signs today on the LIE:

Slow down young Skywalker. Your light saber can wait,

Stith happens!! Slow down!!!

Slow down you must. Arrive safely, you will.
Click to expand...
Just realized this can also be in the “Keeping Up With Old Friends” thread.
 
Where do people go, when they get hurt from playing hide and seek?

The I C U
 
Some Groucho Marx one-liners for you all while we wait for the rest of the non-conference schedule to role out:
  • “I never forget a face — but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
  • “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
  • “Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”
  • “I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows till you come home.”
  • “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
  • “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
  • “I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
  • “She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”
 
And now some Rodney Dangerfield:
  • I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
  • I get no respect. The other day I told my wife I lost my wallet… she said, “Good!”
  • My doctor told me I was overweight. I said, “I want a second opinion.” He said, “All right — you’re ugly too.”
  • When I was a kid, I got lost at the beach. I asked a cop to help me find my parents. He said, “I don’t know, kid… there’s so many places they could hide.”
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years… then we met.
  • I looked up my family tree… found out I’m the sap.
 
Last bunch of one-liners today, from Henny Youngman:
  • Take my wife… please!
  • I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
  • A man goes to the doctor. “Doc, it hurts when I do this.” The doctor says, “Then don’t do that!”
  • Someone stole all my credit cards… but I’m not reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
  • My wife said the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”
 
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