Jokes to ease the tension

I was young and on my very first date with Luisa and I went to pick her up. Problem was I was so nervous I had "stomach problems".

I go inside her nice house to meet the father and mother and family dog. While I am standing near the dog Dougie, I cannot hold it in and I let out a tiny fart.

Luisa's mom say to the dog: "Dougie, PLEASE"! i figure I got away with one.

A few minutes later same problem, I again give a little toot, and Luisa's mom says to the dog; "Now, Dougie"!

As we are leaving I, again, have to toot. This time I figure they think its the dog, so I let a good one out BANG!

This time, however, Luisa's mom yells to the dog:

"Dougie, get away from him before he shits on you"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I’m warning you this one is a long walk for a tiny payoff…

A guy is reading the paper & sees an ad that says there’s a talking dog & for $15 dollars you can have a conversation with it. He’s skeptical but figures he has to check it out. He shows up at the address listed in the ad & sees a guy sitting outside casually smoking a cigar. He says, “I’m here to see the talking dog.” Cigar guy sighs heavily & replies, “15 bucks. He’s right inside.” The guy pays & walks inside still skeptical.

To his surprise he sees a German Shepard sitting at a table reading a book. The guy sheepishly says, “Are you the talking dog?” To his amazement the dog replies, “Yep. That’s me. Only one in the world.” The guy says, “This is unbelievable! How’d you learn to talk?”

The dog closes his book & says, “Well my first owner was a Harvard Professor of linguistics who would bring me to his lectures & I was just around the language so much that I picked it up. Then when he realized I could be of some use he donated me to an institute for the blind & I was a seeing eye dog for a few years. I was the best at it because you know I could just talk them thru where to go. Then the police heard about me & due to my excellent communication skills I was the most effective police dog they ever had. Next I was the #1 bomb sniffing dog for the FBI, was sent overseas to help the military & eventually was the first dog to be awarded the Medal of Honor.”

The guys says, “Wow! What a story! Unbelievable! It was a real honor to meet you.” The guy shakes the dog’s paw & walks back outside to where Cigar Guy is. He goes, “That was one of the most amazing experiences of my life! He spoke better than I do! I’ve gotta ask…you can charge $500 a ticket for that & people would pay. Why are you only asking for $15?” Cigar guy sighs, puts out his cigar & says, “Because he’s a f*cking LIAR.”
 
Eric said:
Click to expand...

For those that do not have tiktok I will write this joke out. Its a good one I think.

If your uncle jack was on the roof and he asked you to help him get down, would you help your uncle jack off??
 
Two elderly widowed people, Ted and Carole are hitting it off very nicely at their Nursing home. So much so they go on long lovely walks in the nearby park.

During one of these walks, they decide to sit down next to each other on a park bench.

Lo and behold, Ted opens his zipper and takes out his member. He then places it into Carole's hand.

They do this over the next two weeks about 3-4 times with the Ted the "zipper move" each time.

Ted breaks it off with Carole.

Ted finds another widow named Jane and starts doing the same thing with her. Long walks in the park, sitting together on the park bench and the zipper move.

One day, Carole looks out her window and sees Ted and Jane sitting on the park bench.

Carole confronts Ted the next day and asks him pointedly, : "What does Jane have, that I don't have?"



Ted, stammers a bit, looks down, then finally blurts OUT...................................................................................................................."PARKINSON'S"!
 
Didn't take long for the board to implode so........

What is the difference between a chromosome and a hormone?

You cant hear a chromosone but you can hear a hormone!!
 
I believe I will find this thread entertaining even when we start playing great! I hope it continues.
 
A man walking down the beach in California sees a bottle, picks it up and a very young genie pops out. He explains he is an apprentice and can only grant one wish with the proviso that whatever the wish there needs to be enough resources on earth to make it happen.
The man thinks for a couple of minutes and states he always wanted to visit Hawaii but suffered from seasickness and was afraid to fly so could the genie provide a bridge from California to Hawaii.
The genie calculates and says unfortunately there is not enough raw material available to grant it and asks him to change the wish. The man thinks again and finally asks if the genie could make him understand his wife.
The genie contemplates the request and then asks, “that bridge, did you want a 2 or a 4 lane highway?”
 
An Irish jeweler out of Chicago goes to NYC to diamond district to replenish his inventory. He meets with a Jewish diamond dealer and places a huge order.

The Jewish diamond dealers says ‘How’d you get so successful out of chicago?’

The Jeweler says ‘I guess I can say I owe my success to Irish Luck’

The diamond dealer goes ‘I’ve been in business for 40 years and I’ve never heard of this Ira Schluck’
 
A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe her student isn’t hyped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan” replied the student.
 
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. “I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.” “I blame the players,” said the 
second fan. “If they made more of 
an effort, we’d score some points.” “I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in San Francisco, I’d be supporting a decent team.”
 
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